Strangely · Compelling

There's an internet cafe in my hotel!! Schwing! I've only got a half-an-hour, so I'll try to be quick.

We spent the last four days in cabanas located in the jungle, and let me tell you...uh...fun, yet not very fun. Bugs were everywhere. You couldn't set ANYTHING down without a swarm of something disgusting landing on, around, or IN it. The lack of air-conditioning was fine, and I got over that quickly...however, the bugs were still an issue for me. The second night we were there, I woke up the next morning with over FORTY bug-bites all over my left arm, my chest, my back, and my neck. The manager said that I probably had sandflies in my bed. The bites are still there, but they are very slowly fading, and they should be gone by the time I get back.

We visited Tikal for a day and saw loads of Mayan ruins, and we rode on horses to a cave AND went tubing down the jungle river the next day. Tubing was scary, because I kept getting stuck on rocks in the middle, and how fun is it to get stuck on a rock in the middle of the river in the middle of a jungle in the middle of a foreign country? Haha, maybe I'm just neurotic...

Now we're on the island of San Pedro, located off the coast of mainland Belize. It's about 27 miles long and less than a mile across. I love it so much better than the mainland...there's almost always a cool breeze, and the bugs are hardly a threat. The locals are amazingly nice! I'm going off into town with my cousin Josh and his friend Ryan today, and we're going shopping. We're also thinking about buying some fresh fruit from a local vendor and going back to our condo and making SMOOTHIES!!!

I'm really enjoying myself, I think. This vacation is really clearing my head; it's centering my thoughts, putting things better into focus...Sorry about how spirratic that last post was. I had a crazy day, and I was exhausted and sore and excited and anxious and everything in between, so you can imagine that my brain was pretty scrambled.

Anyway, I'll keep updating this as much as I can now that I have a dependable internet connection. Haha, I sent out some postcards yesterday, but I was told it would take THREE WEEKS to get them to the states! So, for those of you expecting postcards, you won't get them until after I get back.

I miss you all, and hope you're having fun in Indiana! If you'd like a postcard, or want me to call you, just comment with address and/or phone number.

Today was life-affirming. Yes, another one of those...

Kirk and I are putting things on hold for a while. It's nothing bitter, and it wasn't a question of if we still care about each other; it has more to do with the fact that we can't risk sneaking around like we've been doing for so long. It's never been more imperative for me to be as focused as I possibly can be, to be on the top of my game. This year, I can't take any risks that could jeopardize anything I've been working so hard for. This year, I don't want to bother with lying all of the time. The consequences could be much more than I could ever imagine handling, and I can't afford to make another big mistake.

I feel very at peace with the decision, and even though it hurts, I feel a certain Zen about it. It feels centered, it feels practical, it feels like things may start to right themselves soon. Not that Kirk was a bad force in my life, not at all. My relationship with Kirk was, and will continue to be, something that I cherish and believed in, and I'm not about to throw any of that away. I just need this year to clear my head, to focus on improving myself, to get a better idea of exactly what I need to do and how to do it.

Writing about it is actually causing me to physically relax, as if I can finally be at peace. I just know, deep in the marrow of my bones, that things are going to be okay; that's why I'm taking it so well, because I know that things will be fine. I truly, truly do.

Anyway...

I talked to Flo today, and that also helped clear my head. We were talking on AIM, and I asked him to call me (even though it was after midnight in Germany). Hearing his voice is what helps me when I'm confused, because it reminds me of something that is concrete and consistent, something that still hasn't changed after all of this time. I still love him. I know I do; I would be a fool to deny it.

It's something that hasn't changed, even though I've tried to ignore it. He's unescapable, and it haunts me in my dreams that there is still so much unresolved with us. It's downright heartbreaking at times, though, and there are days when I can't stand how it continues to affect me. But it remains the same, and no matter how hard I try, it'll always be there, through the good and the bad, to remind me that some connections run much too deep to ever be dug up and destroyed.

Love is a strange thing. It comes to us in so many different ways, sometimes it's voluntary and other times it sneaks up on us, unsuspectingly throwing us into this whirlwinded mixture of bliss and confusion. It makes us laugh, cry, scream, sing...it can make us miserable, and it can make us elated beyond our wildest dreams. It's a frustrating kind of bliss that makes you want to shout for joy and tear your hair out all at the same time. It's never convenient, but it's always necessary, and at the end of the day, it's all we ever need.

Things are getting clearer, the lens is focusing, and I'm hopefully finding the center of my mind to grasp onto for the time being. Now, I am not one to post a lot of song lyrics, as I find them very annoying, but this song is so incredibly fitting that I feel insatiably compelled to put them on display for you:

"i heard there was a secret chord
that david played, and it pleased the lord
but you don't really care for music do you?
it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
the minor fall, the major lift
the baffled king composing hallelujah
hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah...

your faith was strong, but you needed proof
you saw her bathing on the roof
her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
she tied you to a kitchen chair
she broke your throne, she cut your hair
and from your lips she drew the hallelujah
hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah...

maybe i have been here before
i know this room, i've walked this floor
i used to live alone before i knew you
i've seen your flag on the marble arch
love is not a victory march
it's a cold, and it's a broken hallelujah
hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah...

there was a time you let me know
what's real and going on below
but now you never show it to me, do you?
and remember when i moved in you
the holy dark was moving too
and every breath we drew was hallelujah
hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah...

maybe there's a God above
and all i ever learned from love
was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
and it's not a cry you can hear at night
it's not somebody who's seen the light
it's a cold, and it's a broken hallelujah
hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah...
hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah..."

It seems that some things never change. There are some things that no matter where I am, how old I am, or what I'm doing...they remain constant. There's a feeling I often have...this creeping anxiety that hits me at lonely moments or times of sadness...the feeling of being left alone.

But it's not just that, and it's taken me until now to realize more specifically what it is. It's the fear of being forgotten.

My nightmares have reoccuring themes of the people I love the most having no idea who I am. I can't count the number of times I've had nightmares where I'm frantically trying to convince my mother who I am. Why is that? What am I so insecure about? Is it that I think I'm afraid I'm not worth remembering? I don't understand.

That's what hurts the most, though. When the people you love do forget about you, when they go on about their lives as though you had never existed...I've dealt with that more than once; I'm no stranger to its inexplainable sting of twisting, nauseating pain.

You know that sick, cold feeling you get in the pit of your stomach for whatever reason? You want to shiver and vomit all at the same time. It's a little like that...being forgotten, losing something you can't replace.

This isn't some all-depression, engrossing feeling I encounter on a daily basis. No, no, not at all. It's one of those childish fears that swallows you whole in moments you can rarely expect. I know I'm not the only person in the universe who's ever been afraid of losing the people they care the most about.

Alright, Coffee Talk is over. In the meantime, watch Eternal Sunshine Of the Spotless Mind.

It may have taken me forever, but I've finally got Prom pictures all uploaded and crap. I've also got pictures from my wonderful day at the Museum of Art, so I'll post those as a separate cut.

( Prom & Art Museum Pictures...Collapse )

Thirsty...sooo thirsty...haha, I'm dying of thirst tonight.

So, a little something about defining moments...

What are they? When do you we know that we're experiencing one? It's difficult to say, I think.

I think that they are unexpected glimpses of profoundness. A window into the meaning of everything. A clue to the answer of why you're here and what you are meant to do.

Realization of destiny, maybe? I say that in all attempts to not sound naive. For me, destiny isn't some grand, sweeping emotion that stirs up in appropriate times of understanding. I think it's something that creeps up on you, something that you can't quite understand, but you atleast can acknowledge that maybe you realize your purpose in everything.

Maybe I had one today. Maybe I had a few this weekend.

Last night, I laid with Kirk and dozed in and out of sleep. It was probably the safest I've ever felt in my life, with his arms around me, and me becoming completely defenseless as I napped in the embrace. The best part was returning to conciousness every few minutes and feeling him breathing, knowing that he was still there with me.

Sometimes it's the simplest of things that mean the most.

Things like breathing...staring up at a ceiling...reaching out for a hand...

My mind can barely wrap around the concept of what I have done, both good and bad, and the consequences and reactions, both good and bad, of said actions.

I'm going to Lafayette tomorrow morning. It's about time, haha.

I need to stop spending money.

Today at the Indianapolis Museum of Art was simply beautiful.

Walking through the gardens and the random trails while surrounded by blissful ambience was so calming. I did not want to leave.

The feeling of the grass beneath my bare feet...the sun warming my face...the boys playing shirtless Ultimate Frisbee (haha)...

Coming back to school was definitely difficult, as drama happened as soon as I walked in the IMC. All I have to say is that I am definitely done with her. She no longer has exclusive rights to my talents, nor can she do her "freaking out" speeches on me anymore. After School Promotions is over, I'm through. For good.

I will go back there again soon. Back to the quiet gardens...back to the fountain by the Lily house...back to serenity...

In other news, I took part in my first act of renegade art today. I'm hooked!

I realized today that I am always worrying about something. Homework, videos, Vanity, money, weight gain, family...Worry, worry, worry, all the time.

Is it summer yet?

I'm going to go watch Everything Is Illuminated.

"THERE'S A HOLE IN MY POCKET
MY POCKET, MY POCKET
THERE'S A HOLE IN MY POCKET"

I'd almost forgotten that we were in the same boat.

We're in this together, in a distorted kind of way.

Maybe this window into your inner-psyche is temporary...

Maybe tomorrow you'll close up again, and it'll be the same old false security.

But until then, I'll hold on to the hope that maybe tomorrow, we'll finally see the change we've needed all along.

Tomorrow, always tomorrow...

Today was one of those days that reminded me of what life is going to be like without all of the pointless school and everything ridiculous that comes with it.

While I don't think that I know everything about life, I still feel like I know enough to give myself some credit. I know that any teachers/adults that read this are going to want to comment and say, "You are sixteen, you have no idea what you are talking about." I've been told many many times in my life, especially recently, that I am mentally much other than my birthday gives me credit for.

And what is age, anyway? It really is nothing but a number. I know people much much older than me who are extremely immature. People who have no communication skills or methods of dealing with their own "problems", people who lack the motivation to get their life in a good direction....so they are automatically "smarter", "wiser", and thus have "authority" over me? Nuh-uh, no way.

Explain to me why me, a 16-year-old girl, has worked on her first job ever at Vanity for over nine months now. And over those nine months, I have watched dozens on girls aged from 19-25 get hired, work for a few weeks, realize that the job is difficult, and QUIT. Girls who are irresponsible, inconsiderate, have no sense of duty or DECENCY for that matter...So who's the more responsible person? That's right, I win.

I'm not trying to sound pretentious, I just get so perturbed when people are so prejudice when it comes to age. When it comes to me, I don't care how old you are. It's about how you act, how you treat other people, how you treat yourself...it's about who you are, not when your birthday is. You open yourself up to soooo many more good friendships and great experiences when you WIDEN YOUR NARROW FIELD OF SIGHT and CHANGE YOUR PERCEPTION.

There is life without the ridiculousness of school. There's actually a real world out there! I know! I've seen it! I feel like when you see a world without research paper deadlines and the repetitiveness of Channel One, there's no going back. You yearn for that. Your heart beats for the moment when you can run at full speed, pump your fists in the air, and scream, "SCREW YOU, HIGH SCHOOL!" Then go off and be successful in something. Like college, haha.

So that's what goes through my head. I could care less about getting an A in Pre-Calc, because my head is too busy storyboarding camera shots, sketching out dialogue, and dreaming of the day when I can wake up after these years and years of work to see that my dreams have come true because I RAN AFTER THEM. I didn't just sit around and TALK about success, I went out and BUILT it.

When I get out into the "real world", I'm not going to look back and say, "Man, I am sooo glad I worked my butt off in Chemistry! Good thing I spent hours and hours in Math Lab! It's sure handy to know about covalent bonds when I'm in the studio..." Nope. I'm going to look back and say, "Man, I am soooo glad I went out and tried to make some films. All that practice with shooting and editing really helps me out in the studio!"

To review, I am in a mental state far beyond your exertion of projects that bear no fruit but the "feeling of knowing my GPA will go up .002 points by the time I graduate". Oh, and if my resume for Film School is longer than your transcript to an Ivy League school, it means I've beaten you.

Relevance is the key. And maybe spelling, too. Might want to sharpen your spelling skills, too. But we always have spell-check, right? Alright, then Relevance and Spell-Check is the key. Key to what? Oh, I don't know. I've been juiced of all of my (un)profound sentences for the night.

I never thought Communism could be so funny.

Finding Pepto should be online soon. I'm sorry for my incessant procrastination on this. Oops! Also, DVD copies are available from me anytime FOR FREE!! However, if I have to mail it to you, then I have to ask for $1 to cover postage fees. Not a bad deal, I think! Just let me know.

Today, I got some very exciting news from Farm Bureau! Finding Pepto, along with the other Finalist Video Art entries, will be shown TWICE at the Indy International Film Festival !!! How awesome is that??!! It's at the Indianapolis Museum of Art on Saturday, April 29th @ 12:30 PM and Sunday, April 30th @ 12:45 PM. Tickets are....$10, I believe, but Farm Bureau is offering me up to 4 free tickets to ONE of the screenings, so if you'd like to tag along, just let me know!

I'm pretty much dateless to Prom, so screw every single one of you. I'll take my dignity and shove it in your fucking faces.

Thank you for ruining the ONE NIGHT that's supposed to be the BEST and turning it into the WORST.

Oh, and by the way? I liked Panic! At the Disco waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay before the mass of emo bitches caught on.

Girls are ridiculous.

I continue to be amazed at the sickening immaturity of girls older than me.

There is a fine line between having a childlike vitality and fresh outlook on life, and simply being a child.

Now, I'm not trying to say that I'm the most mature person in the universe...no, I am far from it.

But some of you girls embarass me. YOU are what give teenage girls a bad name.

Get over it. Grow up a little.

Also, you do not need a guy to be happy. And if a guy breaks up with you, don't quote old love letters he wrote you MONTHS after the break-up happened. Have some fucking dignitiy, some sense of PRIDE, some kind of REASON TO LIVE beyond your boyfriend of the week.

Relationships are supposed to SUPPLEMENT your life, not CONSUME it. So please stop putting your boyfriend at the center of your universe, only to be traumatized after you realize that you were just infatuated from the beginning.

Excuse me while I got vomit.