Strangely Compelling

greetings from belize!

Thu, 06 Jul 2006 16:18:47 GMT

There's an internet cafe in my hotel!! Schwing! I've only got a half-an-hour, so I'll try to be quick.

We spent the last four days in cabanas located in the jungle, and let me tell you...uh...fun, yet not very fun. Bugs were everywhere. You couldn't set ANYTHING down without a swarm of something disgusting landing on, around, or IN it. The lack of air-conditioning was fine, and I got over that quickly...however, the bugs were still an issue for me. The second night we were there, I woke up the next morning with over FORTY bug-bites all over my left arm, my chest, my back, and my neck. The manager said that I probably had sandflies in my bed. The bites are still there, but they are very slowly fading, and they should be gone by the time I get back.

We visited Tikal for a day and saw loads of Mayan ruins, and we rode on horses to a cave AND went tubing down the jungle river the next day. Tubing was scary, because I kept getting stuck on rocks in the middle, and how fun is it to get stuck on a rock in the middle of the river in the middle of a jungle in the middle of a foreign country? Haha, maybe I'm just neurotic...

Now we're on the island of San Pedro, located off the coast of mainland Belize. It's about 27 miles long and less than a mile across. I love it so much better than the mainland...there's almost always a cool breeze, and the bugs are hardly a threat. The locals are amazingly nice! I'm going off into town with my cousin Josh and his friend Ryan today, and we're going shopping. We're also thinking about buying some fresh fruit from a local vendor and going back to our condo and making SMOOTHIES!!!

I'm really enjoying myself, I think. This vacation is really clearing my head; it's centering my thoughts, putting things better into focus...Sorry about how spirratic that last post was. I had a crazy day, and I was exhausted and sore and excited and anxious and everything in between, so you can imagine that my brain was pretty scrambled.

Anyway, I'll keep updating this as much as I can now that I have a dependable internet connection. Haha, I sent out some postcards yesterday, but I was told it would take THREE WEEKS to get them to the states! So, for those of you expecting postcards, you won't get them until after I get back.

I miss you all, and hope you're having fun in Indiana! If you'd like a postcard, or want me to call you, just comment with address and/or phone number.

"You could surely try to be more alive."

Mon, 19 Jun 2006 04:30:36 GMT

Today was life-affirming. Yes, another one of those...

Kirk and I are putting things on hold for a while. It's nothing bitter, and it wasn't a question of if we still care about each other; it has more to do with the fact that we can't risk sneaking around like we've been doing for so long. It's never been more imperative for me to be as focused as I possibly can be, to be on the top of my game. This year, I can't take any risks that could jeopardize anything I've been working so hard for. This year, I don't want to bother with lying all of the time. The consequences could be much more than I could ever imagine handling, and I can't afford to make another big mistake.

I feel very at peace with the decision, and even though it hurts, I feel a certain Zen about it. It feels centered, it feels practical, it feels like things may start to right themselves soon. Not that Kirk was a bad force in my life, not at all. My relationship with Kirk was, and will continue to be, something that I cherish and believed in, and I'm not about to throw any of that away. I just need this year to clear my head, to focus on improving myself, to get a better idea of exactly what I need to do and how to do it.

Writing about it is actually causing me to physically relax, as if I can finally be at peace. I just know, deep in the marrow of my bones, that things are going to be okay; that's why I'm taking it so well, because I know that things will be fine. I truly, truly do.

Anyway...

I talked to Flo today, and that also helped clear my head. We were talking on AIM, and I asked him to call me (even though it was after midnight in Germany). Hearing his voice is what helps me when I'm confused, because it reminds me of something that is concrete and consistent, something that still hasn't changed after all of this time. I still love him. I know I do; I would be a fool to deny it.

It's something that hasn't changed, even though I've tried to ignore it. He's unescapable, and it haunts me in my dreams that there is still so much unresolved with us. It's downright heartbreaking at times, though, and there are days when I can't stand how it continues to affect me. But it remains the same, and no matter how hard I try, it'll always be there, through the good and the bad, to remind me that some connections run much too deep to ever be dug up and destroyed.

Love is a strange thing. It comes to us in so many different ways, sometimes it's voluntary and other times it sneaks up on us, unsuspectingly throwing us into this whirlwinded mixture of bliss and confusion. It makes us laugh, cry, scream, sing...it can make us miserable, and it can make us elated beyond our wildest dreams. It's a frustrating kind of bliss that makes you want to shout for joy and tear your hair out all at the same time. It's never convenient, but it's always necessary, and at the end of the day, it's all we ever need.

Things are getting clearer, the lens is focusing, and I'm hopefully finding the center of my mind to grasp onto for the time being. Now, I am not one to post a lot of song lyrics, as I find them very annoying, but this song is so incredibly fitting that I feel insatiably compelled to put them on display for you:

"i heard there was a secret chord
that david played, and it pleased the lord
but you don't really care for music do you?
it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
the minor fall, the major lift
the baffled king composing hallelujah
hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah...

your faith was strong, but you needed proof
you saw her bathing on the roof
her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
she tied you to a kitchen chair
she broke your throne, she cut your hair
and from your lips she drew the hallelujah
hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah...

maybe i have been here before
i know this room, i've walked this floor
i used to live alone before i knew you
i've seen your flag on the marble arch
love is not a victory march
it's a cold, and it's a broken hallelujah
hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah...

there was a time you let me know
what's real and going on below
but now you never show it to me, do you?
and remember when i moved in you
the holy dark was moving too
and every breath we drew was hallelujah
hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah...

maybe there's a God above
and all i ever learned from love
was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
and it's not a cry you can hear at night
it's not somebody who's seen the light
it's a cold, and it's a broken hallelujah
hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah...
hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah..."

"...gone as the seasons, she's taken..."

Wed, 31 May 2006 05:38:44 GMT

It seems that some things never change. There are some things that no matter where I am, how old I am, or what I'm doing...they remain constant. There's a feeling I often have...this creeping anxiety that hits me at lonely moments or times of sadness...the feeling of being left alone.

But it's not just that, and it's taken me until now to realize more specifically what it is. It's the fear of being forgotten.

My nightmares have reoccuring themes of the people I love the most having no idea who I am. I can't count the number of times I've had nightmares where I'm frantically trying to convince my mother who I am. Why is that? What am I so insecure about? Is it that I think I'm afraid I'm not worth remembering? I don't understand.

That's what hurts the most, though. When the people you love do forget about you, when they go on about their lives as though you had never existed...I've dealt with that more than once; I'm no stranger to its inexplainable sting of twisting, nauseating pain.

You know that sick, cold feeling you get in the pit of your stomach for whatever reason? You want to shiver and vomit all at the same time. It's a little like that...being forgotten, losing something you can't replace.

This isn't some all-depression, engrossing feeling I encounter on a daily basis. No, no, not at all. It's one of those childish fears that swallows you whole in moments you can rarely expect. I know I'm not the only person in the universe who's ever been afraid of losing the people they care the most about.

Alright, Coffee Talk is over. In the meantime, watch Eternal Sunshine Of the Spotless Mind.

"I'll be good like I know I should."

Mon, 22 May 2006 21:38:22 GMT

It may have taken me forever, but I've finally got Prom pictures all uploaded and crap. I've also got pictures from my wonderful day at the Museum of Art, so I'll post those as a separate cut.

Me and Steph Walsh

Haha, that's Davis and I trying to hide our cleavage. No, I don't know why the janky camera messed me up. Oh well.

I absolutely LOVE this picture. I also absolutely LOVE Jacqui Sheehan!

Haha, Turpen is ridiculous.

I think I was trying to raise one eyebrow, and accidentally closed my eye too much. However, I find this picture amusing.

CHARLIE!!

Jason and I just can't help but lick each other in photographs.

Trent and I doing the pancake at After-Prom, haha.

Again with the pancake! It was kind of the dance move of the night.

Haha, if you notice, I didn't post any pictures of me and my date. That's because he doesn't deserve any mention in my Prom escapades. He was not my date, simply my ride to and from the dance. End of story.

A few weeks ago, my Humanities class plus some AP Portfolio kids went to the Indianapolis Museum of Art, and it was lovely.

Who are those two hotties? Oh, I think it's just me and Christy...

Pretty fountain!

I love this picture of Christy. She looks so....liberated, haha.

Ahh, what pretty gardens...I'm holding a flower I illegally picked.

Haha, I'm with the Scenester himself, Harrison!

Oh, how I love grafiti...

This picture speaks for itself. Hahahahah, how classic...

I got a 98/100 on my Humanities project. HA HA, bitches.

"It's no good asking me what time of day it is..."

Sun, 21 May 2006 05:26:35 GMT

Thirsty...sooo thirsty...haha, I'm dying of thirst tonight.

So, a little something about defining moments...

What are they? When do you we know that we're experiencing one? It's difficult to say, I think.

I think that they are unexpected glimpses of profoundness. A window into the meaning of everything. A clue to the answer of why you're here and what you are meant to do.

Realization of destiny, maybe? I say that in all attempts to not sound naive. For me, destiny isn't some grand, sweeping emotion that stirs up in appropriate times of understanding. I think it's something that creeps up on you, something that you can't quite understand, but you atleast can acknowledge that maybe you realize your purpose in everything.

Maybe I had one today. Maybe I had a few this weekend.

Last night, I laid with Kirk and dozed in and out of sleep. It was probably the safest I've ever felt in my life, with his arms around me, and me becoming completely defenseless as I napped in the embrace. The best part was returning to conciousness every few minutes and feeling him breathing, knowing that he was still there with me.

Sometimes it's the simplest of things that mean the most.

Things like breathing...staring up at a ceiling...reaching out for a hand...

My mind can barely wrap around the concept of what I have done, both good and bad, and the consequences and reactions, both good and bad, of said actions.

I'm going to Lafayette tomorrow morning. It's about time, haha.

I need to stop spending money.

"Might as well go out for the fifth night in a row..."

Tue, 09 May 2006 21:21:51 GMT

Today at the Indianapolis Museum of Art was simply beautiful.

Walking through the gardens and the random trails while surrounded by blissful ambience was so calming. I did not want to leave.

The feeling of the grass beneath my bare feet...the sun warming my face...the boys playing shirtless Ultimate Frisbee (haha)...

Coming back to school was definitely difficult, as drama happened as soon as I walked in the IMC. All I have to say is that I am definitely done with her. She no longer has exclusive rights to my talents, nor can she do her "freaking out" speeches on me anymore. After School Promotions is over, I'm through. For good.

I will go back there again soon. Back to the quiet gardens...back to the fountain by the Lily house...back to serenity...

In other news, I took part in my first act of renegade art today. I'm hooked!

I realized today that I am always worrying about something. Homework, videos, Vanity, money, weight gain, family...Worry, worry, worry, all the time.

Is it summer yet?

I'm going to go watch Everything Is Illuminated.

"THERE'S A HOLE IN MY POCKET
MY POCKET, MY POCKET
THERE'S A HOLE IN MY POCKET"

"Won't you please for once just hear me..."

Fri, 05 May 2006 03:40:13 GMT

I'd almost forgotten that we were in the same boat.

We're in this together, in a distorted kind of way.

Maybe this window into your inner-psyche is temporary...

Maybe tomorrow you'll close up again, and it'll be the same old false security.

But until then, I'll hold on to the hope that maybe tomorrow, we'll finally see the change we've needed all along.

Tomorrow, always tomorrow...

"I trip over everything you say."

Sun, 30 Apr 2006 03:27:33 GMT

Today was one of those days that reminded me of what life is going to be like without all of the pointless school and everything ridiculous that comes with it.

While I don't think that I know everything about life, I still feel like I know enough to give myself some credit. I know that any teachers/adults that read this are going to want to comment and say, "You are sixteen, you have no idea what you are talking about." I've been told many many times in my life, especially recently, that I am mentally much other than my birthday gives me credit for.

And what is age, anyway? It really is nothing but a number. I know people much much older than me who are extremely immature. People who have no communication skills or methods of dealing with their own "problems", people who lack the motivation to get their life in a good direction....so they are automatically "smarter", "wiser", and thus have "authority" over me? Nuh-uh, no way.

Explain to me why me, a 16-year-old girl, has worked on her first job ever at Vanity for over nine months now. And over those nine months, I have watched dozens on girls aged from 19-25 get hired, work for a few weeks, realize that the job is difficult, and QUIT. Girls who are irresponsible, inconsiderate, have no sense of duty or DECENCY for that matter...So who's the more responsible person? That's right, I win.

I'm not trying to sound pretentious, I just get so perturbed when people are so prejudice when it comes to age. When it comes to me, I don't care how old you are. It's about how you act, how you treat other people, how you treat yourself...it's about who you are, not when your birthday is. You open yourself up to soooo many more good friendships and great experiences when you WIDEN YOUR NARROW FIELD OF SIGHT and CHANGE YOUR PERCEPTION.

There is life without the ridiculousness of school. There's actually a real world out there! I know! I've seen it! I feel like when you see a world without research paper deadlines and the repetitiveness of Channel One, there's no going back. You yearn for that. Your heart beats for the moment when you can run at full speed, pump your fists in the air, and scream, "SCREW YOU, HIGH SCHOOL!" Then go off and be successful in something. Like college, haha.

So that's what goes through my head. I could care less about getting an A in Pre-Calc, because my head is too busy storyboarding camera shots, sketching out dialogue, and dreaming of the day when I can wake up after these years and years of work to see that my dreams have come true because I RAN AFTER THEM. I didn't just sit around and TALK about success, I went out and BUILT it.

When I get out into the "real world", I'm not going to look back and say, "Man, I am sooo glad I worked my butt off in Chemistry! Good thing I spent hours and hours in Math Lab! It's sure handy to know about covalent bonds when I'm in the studio..." Nope. I'm going to look back and say, "Man, I am soooo glad I went out and tried to make some films. All that practice with shooting and editing really helps me out in the studio!"

To review, I am in a mental state far beyond your exertion of projects that bear no fruit but the "feeling of knowing my GPA will go up .002 points by the time I graduate". Oh, and if my resume for Film School is longer than your transcript to an Ivy League school, it means I've beaten you.

Relevance is the key. And maybe spelling, too. Might want to sharpen your spelling skills, too. But we always have spell-check, right? Alright, then Relevance and Spell-Check is the key. Key to what? Oh, I don't know. I've been juiced of all of my (un)profound sentences for the night.

I never thought Communism could be so funny.

"...of course I'll be distracted when I spike the punch."

Sat, 22 Apr 2006 19:29:13 GMT

Finding Pepto should be online soon. I'm sorry for my incessant procrastination on this. Oops! Also, DVD copies are available from me anytime FOR FREE!! However, if I have to mail it to you, then I have to ask for $1 to cover postage fees. Not a bad deal, I think! Just let me know.

Today, I got some very exciting news from Farm Bureau! Finding Pepto, along with the other Finalist Video Art entries, will be shown TWICE at the Indy International Film Festival !!! How awesome is that??!! It's at the Indianapolis Museum of Art on Saturday, April 29th @ 12:30 PM and Sunday, April 30th @ 12:45 PM. Tickets are....$10, I believe, but Farm Bureau is offering me up to 4 free tickets to ONE of the screenings, so if you'd like to tag along, just let me know!

I'm pretty much dateless to Prom, so screw every single one of you. I'll take my dignity and shove it in your fucking faces.

Thank you for ruining the ONE NIGHT that's supposed to be the BEST and turning it into the WORST.

Oh, and by the way? I liked Panic! At the Disco waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay before the mass of emo bitches caught on.

"Guess I should've had a little self-control..."

Sun, 16 Apr 2006 21:10:07 GMT

Girls are ridiculous.

I continue to be amazed at the sickening immaturity of girls older than me.

There is a fine line between having a childlike vitality and fresh outlook on life, and simply being a child.

Now, I'm not trying to say that I'm the most mature person in the universe...no, I am far from it.

But some of you girls embarass me. YOU are what give teenage girls a bad name.

Get over it. Grow up a little.

Also, you do not need a guy to be happy. And if a guy breaks up with you, don't quote old love letters he wrote you MONTHS after the break-up happened. Have some fucking dignitiy, some sense of PRIDE, some kind of REASON TO LIVE beyond your boyfriend of the week.

Relationships are supposed to SUPPLEMENT your life, not CONSUME it. So please stop putting your boyfriend at the center of your universe, only to be traumatized after you realize that you were just infatuated from the beginning.

Excuse me while I got vomit.

"It isn't fair...and it's not nice."

Wed, 12 Apr 2006 02:23:18 GMT

A few happy notes:

I got a B minus on my last Pre-Calc test!!! It's the best grade I've gotten all year.

Today I realized just how awesome BP gas stations are! Speedways are DUMPS compared to BP. I'm getting my gas from BP from now on.

Syberia, the computer game, is installed on my computer, and the graphics are fantastic. The game's fun/creepy/interesting, too. And, I don't have to shoot anyone! Wahoo!!

There's still plenty of money left in my bank account.

Burdine wasn't here today, so I did nothing during 4th block.

I love Sakura.

She chose life!!!

That's it for now.

"Everywhere I go, DAMN there I am!"

Sun, 09 Apr 2006 23:14:39 GMT

Well, we didn't win.

Yesterday, I was pretty upset, but not entirely because I lost. Watching the other entries made me realize that so many people think that depression is art.

Let me be the first to stand up and say that
DEPRESSION IS NOT ARTSY.

Yes, I am disappointed that Finding Pepto was not able to win some scholarship money, but ultimately, I won a long time ago.

I am a winner because I took something so abstract and fragmented and just plain weird and pulled it all together in eight minutes.

I am a winner because I have made so many great and wonderful friends in the process of producing it.

I am a winner because I made it to the TOP 10 IN THE STATE for my first time ever submitting anything to Project eXcel.

I am a winner because we had an amazingly successcful screening in February.

I am a winner because I never gave up, even when people told me that I would never make it.

But most of all....

I am a winner because I made a difference in someone's life. In Pepto's life. In Ex-Lax's life.

Before all of this started, Pepto had wanted very badly to meet Ex-Lax and get in with the whole underground renegade art scene. My documentary, especially the screening, gave Pepto that publicity and momentum he needed to finally get in contact with Ex-Lax and bolster his reputation as an artist.

In fact, I'm going to share with you an e-mail that Pepto Bismol sent me last night:

"First off, I want to say how incredibly PROUD I am of you and Finding Pepto. I know the results today were not what you wanted, but you have come a long way and you should be so happy. You have helped give positive exposure for me and EXLAX and all renegade artists by not only getting it to the top ten and the people today, but just by making a film that is relevant and important. YOU (not just the film) have made an impact on so many lives and that is a true achievement. I can't thank you enough for what your documentary has done for me and my own perception of my abilities (and relevance) as an artist. I probably would not have gotten through the semester without Finding Pepto. I hope you realize just how great you are, and that your effort DID show through, and this is just one of many great films I know you will create. I am so happy to be a part of this great thing, something that really did transcend an "assignment" and will never forget the process and fun in the past few months. Thank you again for Finding Pepto, I look forward to what comes next. I will definitely see you around. See you soon."

Even if I hadn't of even made it past Round One with my documentary, just hearing that from Pepto himself is more gratifying than ANY prize. I am comforted knowing that while SOME of the other videos that won yesterday made no impact whatsoever on the world outside of that competition, mine has left a noticable mark on someone's life.

And THAT is the reason I want to make films. THAT is the reason that I don't ever want to give up on this dream, because I want my films to TOUCH PEOPLE to SAY SOMETHING IMPORTANT to MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

I am not at all saying that I want to make those ridiculous, trippy, emo, depressing little short films where the dialouge is all witty and poetic.

HELL NO.

(once again, talking about how depressed you are is by no means REAL ART. a true artist can express ANY mood, not just melancholy. you emo cowards.)

My goal is to bring intriguing stories of REAL INTEREST to the screen, and ultimately, the world. Not all of my films will make a difference, not all of my films will change anyone's life...but if I can inspire one person, ANY PERSON, then everything will have been worth it.

I've already proven myself as a young film-maker, and now there's no one left to go from here but UP.

I don't want to waste my time on this Earth doing something not worth remembering.

I WILL make a difference.
I WILL touch people.
I WILL inspire change.
I WILL succeed.

I WILL CONTINUE FOWARD.

That is all, thank you.

Indigestion?

Sat, 08 Apr 2006 03:43:09 GMT

Project eXcel Finalist Competition

Saturday, April 8th

University of Indianapolis
@ the Crystal DeHaan Fine Arts Center

Video Presentations @ 2:15 PM

Awards Ceremony @ 6:45 PM

Come support Finding Pepto as it KILLS the competition!

If not for me, please come to support my obsession of split screens:

"It isn't love, it's robbery..."

Sun, 26 Mar 2006 06:20:49 GMT

NO.

What the fuck?

What happened to us?

What happened to all of us???!!!

I hate how we fucking pretend that THINGS NEVER HAPPENED.

THAT I NEVER MET YOU, YOU NEVER MET ME.

WE NEVER SPENT ANY TIME TOGETHER.

END OF STORY.

WHEN DID WE BECOME OBSOLETE???!!

FUCKING WHEN???

I heard from a friend who heard from a friend who heard from a friend that all you do anymore is indulge in the rituals of people WE USED TO MOCK.

YOU'RE A FUCKING MOCKERY, AND THAT'S FUCKING SAD.

IT'S SAD, AND YOU MAKE ME SAD BECAUSE I USED TO BELIEVE IN YOU SO BADLY.

I USED TO FUCKING LOOK AT YOU AND THINK, "WOW, LOOK HOW GOOD HE IS. HE MUST BE SOMETHING REALLY SPECIAL IF HE COULD LOVE SOMEONE LIKE ME. SOMEONE HORRIBLE LIKE ME."

I USED TO THINK YOU WERE SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME. I USED TO PUT YOU ON SUCH A PEDESTAL, BECAUSE ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS HOW BAD I WAS AND HOW GOOD YOU WERE. I USED TO BELIEVE IN MYSELF BECAUSE YOU BELIEVED IN ME.

I lied furiously because I was terrified of losing you. I lied for you. I lied to keep you.

I USED TO BE PROUD OF WHO YOU WERE.

NOW THE FACT THAT YOU'VE BECOME EXACTLY LIKE ME,
IT FUCKING HURTS.

I want you to read this. I want you to KNOW THAT IT IS YOU that I'm talking about.

Acknowledge it. I fucking dare you.

God, I don't fucking know. It just drives me insane sometimes to wonder if it was all just a fucking joke.

the ghost of you and me
when will it set me free?
I HEAR THE VOICES CALL
FOLLOWING FOOTSTEPS DOWN THE HALL
TRYING TO SAVE WHAT'S LEFT OF MY HEART AND SOUL

I FUCKIN' TOLD YOU!!!!!!

Fri, 17 Mar 2006 03:11:56 GMT

THAT'S RIGHT, BITCHES.

I AM TOP 10 IN THE ENTIRE STATE.

"So, what happens now?"

Well, on April 8th, I go to U of I where my video will be shown, and I'll be questioned by a panel of judges about my video and its topics.

Someone please make the seizues of joy stop.

You are my everything.

Thu, 09 Mar 2006 02:54:02 GMT

When I'm with you, the doubt dissolves like the tiny flecks of dead skin on your lip that you bite away and never think about again.

Things are going alright here...

..though I have the slightest sense of foreboding that I'm approaching a valley.

What it is or how it will trigger itself, I don't know. I just taste it in the air. Every change of season seems to bring about a shifting of the tectonic plates of my life, and this spring is no exception.

The delicate balance of my reality may come crashing around me.

And what am I going to do?

Being the unconfronting opportunist, I'll pull up a chair to get a good seat to my own demise.

Some people look down on me. I know it. I can feel their rolling eyes fluttering over my uncertain form; I can feel their hot breath on the back of my neck as they whisper, "Failure."

And my rebuttal?

There's more to life than tri-fold posterboards and neon notecards.
Imagine life beyond research papers and math tests, and you'll be amazingly relieved to find that none of it matters.
What matters most is the LIFE you're living, not the GRADE you're getting for things that ultimately DO NOT MATTER.
Listen to your inspirational t-shirts, and CARPE DIEM.

Try as you may, but nothing you do will ever compare to the feeling I once felt of the flesh and blood personification of TRUE CULTURE.

I only accept the answer no with a k and a w.

Wed, 01 Mar 2006 02:32:35 GMT

excuse me, but i've got a request...
could you take the gag off of my mouth?
i admit that i'm fairly impressed,
cause you're the best at blocking me out.

i believe that we weren't quite done
i know it's hard to hear me out again
i realize, you're not the only one
who's terrified of life from end to end

excuse me, but isn't this the way
that things always turn into something good??
you've tried to ignore the things i say
but in the end you found you never could

hey hey, can you hear anything i say???
YOU SEARCH FOR THE SHORT-CUT
YOU LIVE LIFE, BUT FOR WHAT?
i love you and hope you will find the truth some day

cause i just can't believe the way that this
continues to go on
i say i wish you didn't always think i'm wrong

so tell me,
tell me what will it take
to get this through your head??
and tell me what will it take
until you see things through from
END to END

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 02:47:08 GMT

Apparently, tomorrow is Fat Tuesday.

Definitely taking advantage of that.

I'm tired and sick. In that precise order.

I heard that it's unhealthy if you swallow your phlegm?

JUST COS I CAN'T GO ON
JUST COS I DIE WHEN YOU'RE GONE
JUST COS I THINK OF YOU IN BED
BABY, DON'T LET IT GO TO YOUR HEAD

It's time for you to know.

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 03:29:20 GMT

11/06/05, 2:07 AM:

so it's come to this. you. me. reveling in the stinging aftermath of cheap alcohol and tobacco. is this what you had in mind all week? everything a blur, i try to piece together why and how.

an easy target. had i always been this blind? innocent laughter later turned to discussions of illegality which led to your cell phone number staring up at me on my calculator. you want me to go? i'm there. you want me to wait? mmm, anticipation, baby...

casual introductions meshed with petty drama crashed with impatience and created a moment of familiarity between strangers. long drives to places i rarely visit jolted a smoke break by my car as we waited with bated breath for the night to officially begin. talks of too much honesty occupied the hazy night-time air as we gladly inhaled our vice. another vice arrived, and it was ready-set-go! for the most unlikely pair imaginable.

to what do we toast my vodka-virginity bon-voyage? let's say to fun, friends, and NOT GETTING CAUGHT.

with no intentions of seduction, kindly lick this spilled guilt from the countertop.
ONE-- damn, that tasted like battery acid. is that how it always tastes?
TWO -- hmm, not bad. mixing it with coke (the kind you drink, no snorting here) deduces the burn to a silent scream. do you want to do this again?
THREE -- i'm getting good at this. oh, i have to stop?
damn, we're such horrible people.

a few wars later, accustomed mouths are crying for another dose of tobacco, but conservation talks me out of it. a swerving armada sailed onward in search of a new, more populated buzz. arrival hurtled me back into a cuccon of, "holy shit, i don't know these people." affects still not quite apparent, i observed the scene--a learner, and a THIRSTY one at that.

in his absence, the disorientating sensation ran up my legs, buzzing my brain until it felt like i was in a movie again. eager to locate and inform my catalyst of the news, i half-staggered, half-giggled my way to his chair. "i'm feeling it," i slurred. arm around my waist, and for a moment i panicked as if i thought he wanted me then and there. oh, music -- what a grateful diversion from what i had been fearing all day.

more unskilled walking and a few grins later, and we were back to our starting positions -- though i had the strangest feeling that we'd had a special head-start. floors in motion and vision lagging, i carried a conversation with him--and him--and him (did he hug me? why? he didn't know me). did i forget to mention?
FOUR -- what's your tolerance like? do you do this often?
FIVE -- what time is it? oh, shit, i should be heading home.
SIX -- my last one, i swear. i'll watch you do it instead.
laughter and heat pulsing through my veins kept me there, but fear and curfew drew me back. guess which side won? surprisingly, the angle on my right shoulder emerged victorious as i announced my departure, shook some hands, and headed out the door--with him.

step after step, my mind raced. why was i so excited? i had been sickeningly planning this all along. a premature hug of goodbye was exchanged before some unnecessary conversation -- no doubt concocted by the both of us to keep me there a few moments longer. an unexpected visitor interrupted our rhythm, but didn't disengage us. the 2nd hug and the unwillingess to fully part was evidence enough to prove that it was all staged. ALL ALONG. i wanted a SEVEN followed by a tobacco chaser, because i shouldn't have wanted to hear it all.

"we shouldn't"
"i know...but we're drunk."

the pause indicated realization, acceptance, followed by a silent kind of permission. i felt his lips on my cheek. pause. in a slow movement, as if time itself was slurring, i ever-so-slightly pulled away from the embrace, soon knowing his taste.

it wasn't electric. just warm and refreshing. did i really need half of his tongue in my mouth? using my lips, i protested the style of the act, suggesting a softer manuever -- he silently complied. he tasted of a freshly opened bottle of Aquafina.

"i need to leave," whispered the adulterous i.

"don't be angry," was all i heard before i drove away, hoping to survive the perils of my horrible actions.

what had i done? then again...

it
was
only
a
kiss.

"Take it away, won't you wanna stay till there's no one else around?"

Sun, 19 Feb 2006 16:33:10 GMT

"To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man."

"I have snost and lost."

Thu, 16 Feb 2006 03:01:10 GMT

your moony face
so inaccessible
your inner mind
so inexpressible

and i can

hear the bells
are ringing

joyful

and

triumphant.

"These words are my diary screaming out loud..."

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 21:40:54 GMT

And I had thought you wouldn't dare.

What a horrific implication of expectations.

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 03:43:39 GMT

Fine, you win.

I am worthless.

Thanks for fucking ruining a streak of good moods.

I guess you can stand to see me feeling alright, can you? You can't stand to see me succeeding. You can't sit back and see me doing well for myself without stepping in and tearing me down more, can you?

I'd be "spoiled" if I was happy for a while, wouldn't I?

Of course, of course. I'm sorry. The whole "happy" thing won't happen again, I promise.

Anything for you.

Thu, 09 Feb 2006 02:52:10 GMT

Well, aren't you coming?

"Close your eyes, close your ears, young man..."

Wed, 08 Feb 2006 23:53:23 GMT

Ben Folds is coming to the Murat on March 17th.

Tickets go on sale tomorrow, and I'm planning on buying mine on Saturday.

Anyone else up for going with me? Let me know ASAP, so I can order our tickets together.